


But I'm Forever Missing Him

by bathroomtrap



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Depression, Flashbacks, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Some Fluff, affair, bisexual sonny, homosexual mike, originally a one shot, post death, sonny wants to keep that secret beyond mike's death, the boys are secretly in love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2020-08-10 10:41:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20134120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bathroomtrap/pseuds/bathroomtrap
Summary: Don't waste your time on me, you're already the voice inside my head...Sergeant Dodds was dead.And Sonny never said goodbye.What else could he feel but regret?





	But I'm Forever Missing Him

____________

42 days. That's how long it has been since Dodds was shot. 

Carisi sat alone at the bar, his fingers curled together tightly enough to turn his knuckles white. A half-full beer bottle rested in front of him, surrounded by an array of empty ones― Carisi had been here for awhile. 

This was his spot; every night since Dodd's death, he found himself at the same seat at the bar. A part of him found it too difficult to go home, to sleep alone in a bed too big for one. 

The bar was small, one he knew his coworkers never entered. It was dusty, with cheap beer and even cheaper surroundings. It was far enough away from the precinct that he wouldn't see anyone familiar when he came from his apartment, either. Some part of the partial anonymity made him feel comfortable in the space― just like every other man or woman sitting at the bar, his secrets were his only.

There was a time when someone else shared the secret with him, but that ended 42 days ago.

He took another swig of his beer.

Dodds picked the bar after a couple of nights at the go-to NYPD spot. It started innocently enough; a few drinks after tough cases, small-talk, casual meetings...

Carisi couldn't remember how he realized he was attracted to the sergeant. He figures it happened during the Evans case― seeing Dodds emotionally vulnerable changed how Carisi viewed him. 

He remembers inviting Dodds to dinner with the squad at Rollins' apartment after the case; as well as Dodds declining. Sonny didn't show it then, but he was hurt. When he arrived at Rollins', Fin pestered him about it: "Why'd you invite the Sergeant?" 

Carisi just shrugged it off as being polite, but of course, it was something more.

So when Dodds invited him out for drinks after an open-and-close molestation case, Carisi was ecstatic. It was only a few beers, but it started their annual meetings at the old cop bar. 

It only became more when Carisi asked Dodds to dinner. 

____________

Carisi knew that Dodds often stayed late to finish paperwork. He was counting on that tonight, as he came to return a couple of files he had taken to Barba a few days prior. 

Carisi slipped into the office quietly, noticing Dodds still at his desk. He looked up as he noticed Carisi, and Carisi waved. 

"Hey Sergeant, you're here pretty late."

Dodds scoffed but smiled back at the detective. 

"I could say the same to you, Carisi." 

Carisi smiled, turning away to set the files on his desk. He took a few moments to ensure there was no one else there, even though at the time he did not realize why it mattered. 

"Have you had dinner yet, Sergeant?"

Carisi did not look over at Dodds as he asked; instead, he continued to mess with the files on his desk as if he was doing something important. He could tell that he was blushing, and he did not want to make things awkward. 

Dodds looked over at him from across the room, staying silent for a couple of moments as he pondered the question. 

"No, I haven't." 

Another pause. 

"Are you offering to cook me dinner?" 

Carisi turned to look over at him, their eyes meeting for a second. Dodds was still smiling, and he eventually let out a huff of air as he got to his feet. 

"If so, I'm more than willing to turn in my raincheck. I got an earful from Fin about not going along last time." 

Carisi rolled his eyes but eventually stood. 

"Now, I can't promise a 5-star meal, but I'll do my best." 

Obviously, Carisi intended for it to be a strictly platonic dinner, not a date. They arrived at his apartment in Carisi's car― the drive was made in comfortable silence, but he could see Dodds watching him from the corner of his eye. As they exited the car it began to rain, so the pair rushed inside. 

Carisi's apartment was small, only consisting of a kitchen, living room, and bedroom with a bathroom. Of course, he was only renting, but it had been his home for well over a year. He had moved in after being transferred to SVU, and since then he had made it home with little things. A guitar in the corner near the TV, a couple of law books stacked on an IKEA shelf, pictures of his sisters― basically anything that Carisi felt had emotional value. 

(In present day, a picture of Mike and Carisi replaced the one that sat on his coffee table at the time.)

However, when they entered, Carisi was more focused on starting dinner than showing Dodds around. 

"Make yourself at home," he had briskly said before slipping away into the kitchen. He returned for a moment to hand Dodds a beer, but then he focused on cooking.

You could see into the living room from the kitchen, and as Carisi made dinner he would spot Dodds watching like he had in the car. They talked about work as Carisi finished up, having only made two quick plates of spaghetti. It wasn't the best example of Carisi's cooking talents, but he did not want to make Dodds wait.... and luckily, he had some of his home-made sauce leftover in the fridge.

They ate in silence on the couch, Dodds complimenting Sonny's cooking whenever he had the chance. It made Carisi laugh a little too hard― it was probably what made Dodds realize how Carisi felt. Or, at least, Carisi hoped that Dodds realized it before he did what he did next. 

Maybe it was the alcohol that made Mike more than willing to share his true feelings. Either way, Carisi did not mind; actually, he was thinking about doing the same thing, too.

The two had set their empty plates down on the coffee table. It was then that Dodds noticed the picture, which was of Carisi and a blonde-haired girl during Christmas.

Dodds asked if the girl in the picture with Carisi was his girlfriend, and Carisi laughed. "No," he had said, running a hand through his hair, "that's my sister." 

Dodds nodded as if the information brought him clarity. Eventually, they continued on with their conversation, and another thing led to another...

Carisi had laughed at a small joke Mike had made, and it ended with a long matched gaze. They both smiled at each other, longer than might be platonically polite.

Carisi felt his hands grow clammy, and as he went to look away he felt a hand on his cheek. His eyes widened as Mike leaned forward and kissed him.

He was more surprised at how gentle Mike kissed him than the kiss itself. Carisi, of course, kissed him back. He placed his hands on Mike's sides, just below his ribs. It was a gentle touch, just like it was a gentle kiss. 

Carisi had not expected Mike to be the one to act first; if anything, Carisi thought it was one-sided. 

When Mike eventually pulled away, he leaned forward and rested his head on Carisi's shoulder. His arms wrapped around Carisi's waist, and soon enough Carisi heard him begin to cry.

Sonny didn't ask why― he figured it was because of the job. He knew how much emotional pain came from dealing with Special Victims. Instead, he responded by wrapping his arms around Dodds, keeping him in an embrace until Dodds felt ready to break it. Dodds continued to quietly sob into Sonny’s shoulder until his eyes were dry of tears. Sonny held him for a while after that, his hands lightly rubbing Dodds back in support.

When Dodds pulled back, Carisi cupped his face in his hands. 

“Are you okay?” he whispered, his face close to Dodds’.

Dodds did not respond― instead, he let out a shaky breath and nodded. Carisi smiled, pulling his hands back to rest on his lap. 

They sat in silence for a while, taking occasional sips from their beers as time passed. Eventually, Dodds placed his hand on Carisi’s shoulder to grab his attention.

“Would it be okay if..” 

Dodds shifted awkwardly mid-sentence, looking away for a moment as his face flushed.

“If I stayed here, overnight?”

Carisi almost responded with “I could call you an uber” but he bit his tongue. He did not have a spare bedroom, and he didn’t know if Dodds meant that he’d sleep on the couch. Somehow it didn’t dawn on him that Dodds meant “If I stayed overnight with you.” 

When Carisi said “Sure,” he was prepared to tell Mike that he could sleep in the bed if he needed to, but it seemed like Mike was already a step ahead of him.

Mike had gently gripped Carisi’s hand and led him to the bedroom, which was easy enough to find in the hall. His fingers barely pulled at Carisi’s, almost in a questioning way. Dodds still did not know exactly how Carisi felt, and the same could be said for Carisi. For Dodds, this was his first romantic encounter with a man― for Carisi, it was his first romantic encounter with a boss; a coworker. 

And that is all it was: romantic. When Dodds led Carisi down the hall he had one thing in mind― sleeping. For that matter, so did Carisi. If anything, this was just a moment of vulnerability between the two. Carisi understood that Dodds needed emotional support, and he was prepared to give him it.

They changed into more comfortable clothes before getting settled, and Carisi lent Dodds an old NYPD T-shirt of his to sleep in. The whole situation was odd; it felt like they had done this before. Almost as if they had been living together and it was normal. Dodds didn’t even seem to bat an eye when Carisi got under the covers next to him.

When it came to actual intimacy in that moment, Dodds was hesitant. He moved his arm multiple times in an attempt to wrap it around Carisi, but stopped half-way through. They were both the same size, so it wasn’t an uncomfortable feat― physically, at least. But something about doing that with a man made Dodds nervous, even though he was the one who suggested they sleep in the same bed, and he was the one who kissed Carisi. 

Dodds left that morning without waking Sonny, and when he woke to an empty bed he was somewhat heartbroken.

When he checked his phone, that heartbreak turned to hope: Dodds had left a few messages.

“Carisi, I’m sorry for leaving so early. Liv called me in and I did not want to disturb you.” 

He seemed to pause for a few minutes, as the delivered time was significantly different from the next. 

“Thank you, for last night. It was nice.”

Carisi smiled down at his phone, and he sent a quick message back: 

“Good Morning. It was nice, I agree. Tell Liv I’ll be there in a few, I’m going to grab some bagels along the way.” 

____________

Carisi always figured there was something more than just stress that had upset Dodds that night, but he never voiced his suspicions to Dodds. 

Part of him regrets the decision of letting it go, for not trying to know Dodds in that sort of personal way. He only learned after Dodds death what had been the matter, and he only discovered it by accident.

It was something he did not like to dwell on, however, especially in a bar filled with drunkards.

Instead, he rummaged in his pocket for a couple of dollars and planted them on the bar. He threw his coat around his shoulders and left, making a beeline for the door. When he pushed it open into the dark early morning, he was met with a cold burst of air and a shiver ran down his spine. If Dodds had been there, he would’ve wrapped an arm around Carisi’s shoulders to keep him warm. 

Dodds was more caring than a lot of the squad gave him credit for. Maybe Carisi was biased because of the nights they shared― but then again, maybe he just knew Dodds better than they did. Dodds was his partner, at work and out of work, and yet the squad never seemed to take Carisi seriously when he complimented Dodds while he was alive.

As he began to walk to his apartment, his mind drifted to where he was going to be sleeping tonight. 

He had been thinking about those nights, where they just laid next to each other in Carisi’s bed. Sometimes Carisi would wrap an arm around Dodds, and other times Dodds would wrap an arm around Carisi. Even after a month, Carisi still could not sleep in that bed. Dodds didn’t sleep there every night when he was alive, but it still felt like something was missing when Carisi laid there alone. 

The first night he tried sleeping in the bed, he had a nightmare of the shooting. When he woke up, he expected to see Mike safe and sound next to him; but of course, no one was there. 

Carisi only felt numb as he got out of bed that night and moved to the couch. When he eventually thought back to the nightmare, and to the events that caused it, he couldn’t hold back his sobs.

Part of his anguish was, of course, Dodds death― however, an even larger part was regret. 

When Dodds was awake and responsive in the hospital room, Carisi could’ve walked in against Liv’s wishes to see him. But he didn't. The fear of revealing their relationship, especially in the state Dodds was in at the time, held Carisi back from seeing him.

Liv had told him: “Chief Dodds wants him to spend time with family now.”

Carisi wanted to shout “I am family!” but instead, he just nodded and backed off without a fuss.

When Carisi had to sit idly in the waiting room, head in his hands, on the brink of tears― Dodds fiancée got to sit with him and hold his hand. She got to tell him goodbye, to tell him she loved him; to Carisi’s knowledge, he told her the same. 

But Carisi knew that Dodds was engaged, and he also knew that Mike forced himself into that relationship because of how his father viewed Homosexuals. Sonny knew as well as anyone how intimidating fathers could be when it came to sexual orientation, and he didn’t blame Mike for trying to be straight.

But Mike was Gay― he just refused to admit it to anyone but Carisi. 

When Liv walked out of that door at the end of the hall, her face flushed and eyes full of tears, Carisi wanted to deny the inevitable. His mouth hung open in shock, and he could feel tears forming in his eyes. Liv shook her head, and Carisi knew that he was dead.

All that could go through his mind was that he never got the chance to tell Dodds that he loved him. He had whispered it when Dodds was asleep when they were curled up next to each other in Carisi’s bed, but he never told it to him face to face. It was always implied, but he never got to actually say “I love you.”

All that he could do was cover his face with his hands, and shy away from the rest of the squad. He went to a corner in the waiting room, sat down on a couch, and cried. Rollins tried to say something to him, but he ignored her— “He was a good Sergeant,” He was better than that, “I know you cared about him,” You don’t know how much I cared, “It’ll be okay,” No it won’t.

Rollins eventually walked away when she realized Carisi wasn’t going to respond to her. It seems like that’s what she always did when Carisi blocked her off emotionally. He lifted his head to watch her go, but he didn’t really care that she left. He wanted to be alone.

Carisi does not really recall how he got home that night; it was all a blur after he found out that Mike was gone. He remembers collapsing on to his couch and waking up in the morning still wearing clothes from the night before. 

His hands felt cold, and he didn’t move for what felt like a lifetime. His phone was facedown on the coffee table, and a picture of Mike and himself― the same one which was usually on the coffee table― was on the floor. He had held it when he fell asleep, so it most likely dropped to the floor when his grip loosened. The picture frame was now broken, shards of the clear cover now scattered on the carpet. Carisi wasn’t surprised― he had picked it out quickly at a dollar store as a present for Mike; the broken ‘glass’ was plastic.

Mike had refused the gift, but Carisi understood why. Even if his fiancee did not live with him, his father would still visit. Somehow it was too suspicious for him to have a picture of a coworker and himself in his apartment.   
Carisi tried to joke about it.

____________

“Chief Dodds probably had a picture of his partner in his house, it wouldn’t be that strange.”

Mike smiled but looked away as he set the picture frame back down on the table. Carisi watched him fiddle with his hands before sighing and furrowing his brow. 

“That’s not my point, Sonny. I don’t know if he has any inclinations about..” He looked up at Carisi for a moment, “About us.”

He turned away completely after a long moment, getting up from his seat on the couch to walk towards the door.

“I just can’t risk it.”

Carisi got up as well, picking up the picture frame as he followed Dodds at his heels. He grabbed Mike’s shoulder, stopping him from opening the door. 

“Mike,” he breathed, waiting for the sergeant to lock eyes with him. He could see the fear and pain in his features as Mike finally turned, and it made Carisi’s heart hurt. 

Through the pain, though, Carisi smiled. 

“It’s okay, I understand.” 

Mike's eyes softened, but he did not smile back. 

"Thank you-"

Carisi cut Mike off as he pulled him into an embrace. Mike let out a quiet laugh as he wrapped his arms around his partner. The buzzing sound of a phone in Mike's pocket made him pull away to check the notification. 

They both already knew that it was Liv― Carisi had brought out the gift just after she called Dodds to request him at the station. She was most likely wondering where the sergeant was. 

"It's Liv," Mike mumbled, eyes narrowed, "I have to go." 

With that he turned, making his final steps to the door of Carisi's apartment. He faltered for a moment, hesitant to turn the lock. Carisi watched with a confused gaze as Mike turned back around. 

"Liv's gonna kill you if you're-" Carisi started, his words cut off by Mike leaning in and kissing him. He shut his eyes, but the kiss ended as soon as it began. 

Mike turned around and left, and as he shut the door Carisi thought he heard something along the lines of "I love you." 

Carisi stood there for a few moments, still holding the picture frame. 

"I love you too." He whispered back.   
____________

Carisi was brought back into reality by the honk of a Taxi horn. He was already close to his apartment building, rummaging in his pockets for his keys. 

When he finally got them out, he noticed his hands shaking. He rubbed his fingers idly as he walked towards the door, trying to ignore all of the sounds from the street. 

"Carisi!" 

Sonny turned quickly, recognizing the joyful voice of Rollins from down the sidewalk. He faked a smile, raising a hand in greeting before awkwardly shuffling over to greet her.

"Hey, Rollins." He mumbled, concentrating on his words to try to seem less drunk than he was. He shoved his hands into his coat pockets to hide the fact that they were shaking, but Rollins gave him a strange look. 

"Jeez, you must be freezing," she commented, removing her scarf as she did so, "here, you need to warm up." 

She wrapped the scarf around Carisi's neck, and he quickly tried to stop her.

"No- Rollins I'm fine-" he muttered, removing the scarf and handing it back to her. 

Carisi was cold, but he didn't want her pity or sympathy. Maybe, in some way, his lack of efficient apparel was his own way of punishing himself. A pull-over hoodie was not enough to combat 20-degree weather in the middle of New York winter. 

Rollins rolled her eyes at the gesture, but then returned her gaze to Carisi.

Something about the way Rollins looked at him, almost as if she knew, made Carisi uneasy. She never tried to be this caring towards him, and she never randomly stopped by his apartment at 2 AM― or whatever time it was. 

"Then let me just help with your keys." She hissed. 

Carisi mumbled something and took his hands out of his pockets, his left still gripping his keychain tightly. She snatched the keys from Sonny's hand without hesitation, giving him a weird look as she did so.

Carisi took a step back as Rollins opened the door to the building, offering a hand for him to climb up the few steps inside. He waved her off, walking past her towards the elevator with a huff. He didn't need her help― hell, he just wanted to be alone. 

Rollins followed him into the elevator as the doors opened, and she pressed the button to his floor for him. Sonny could tell that she was watching him, and he felt his hands grow sweaty.

What if she knew? How would she know? 

He swallowed down the lump in his throat as he figured he should ask before they got to his apartment. 

"Why are you here, Amanda?" 

Rollins looked almost shocked― poorly acted, on her part― and she crossed her arms. 

"What, I need a reason to see my friend?" 

Sonny rolled his eyes. 

"Do I have to ask again?" 

Rollins mumbled something under her breath before letting out a long sigh.

"I'm here because I'm worried." 

Sonny looked over at her, and for a moment she seemed sincere― maybe she was worried, but it wasn't the reason she was here. She could tell that Carisi wasn't buying it, and she groaned before crossing her arms.

"Look, Carisi, I am worried. So is Liv. She asked me to tail you. So I did, and I followed you to that bar. I know that's not right of me, but how else am I supposed to make sure you're okay when you're like," she gestured in his general direction, "standoffish."

Carisi looked away, unsure of how to respond. Rollins took that as an invitation to continue her explanation.

"You were in that bar for 4 hours, Carisi. I know 'cause I timed it." 

She gently grabbed his arm, and he looked over at her with a furrowed brow. He couldn't help but notice how afraid she looked; he could see worry and fear in her eyes. Maybe it was because she was seeing the worst in him― maybe it reminded her of her father, his alcoholism; Sonny was not an alcoholic, but maybe she thought he was. He was slightly relieved that that may be the case― then that might mean she didn't know about Dodds.

After a few moments, he shrugged, pulling his arm from her grasp.

"I'm fine." 

She was quick to retort. 

"No, you're not fine. According to the bartender you've been there every night for the past few weeks. Is this about a... a bad breakup or something? Did your girlfriend dump you? Carisi, I know that drinking might seem to be a good way to solve your problems, but alcohol does nothing but worsen them―" 

"I said I'm fine, Rollins. You should just go home." 

His words came out harsher than he intended them to be, but he didn't care. 

The elevator doors finally opened after what felt like an eternity in awkward silence. Carisi stepped out without even checking if Rollins was following and headed down the hall towards his apartment. When he reached the door, he realized he was missing something. 

His keys.

Rollins still had his keys.

He quickly spun around, heading back towards the elevator with haste. When he got there, there was no sign of her. He pressed the elevator button multiple times in hope that the doors just closed― but they did not open.

Carisi cursed himself and slammed his hand against the wall, reprimanding himself over and over in his mind for forgetting something so important. 

Hopefully, Rollins would realize she still had the keys and she'd return them. But seeing Rollins after their quarrel would be too stressful for Carisi. Maybe it was best that he slept somewhere else tonight.

The only issue, however, was that he really had no other place to sleep. For a moment he figured he could call Barba and ask to sleep on the couch in his office, but calling the ADA at such an early hour would most likely result in him getting an earful in a mix of Spanish and English. 

Carisi leaned against the wall next to the elevator and let out a long sigh. His only other key was in Mike's apartment, somewhere. Mike's old apartment, that Carisi had a key for, that Chief Dodds was still paying the rent for, that was still cluttered with Mike's belongings…

But, then again, Rollins had his keychain with all of his keys on it. 

So, his final option was the precinct. He could either sleep on the couch where they usually talk to victims or on one of the spare cots. 

As he began his descent down the stairs, (he had feared he might run into Rollins in the elevator), he started thinking about Mike again.

Specifically, the key that was still buried in Mike's apartment somewhere.

Carisi had given Mike the key after he spent the night for a month or so. It was the night that Mike opened up about everything; his fiancee, his internal struggles, his father's influence… 

Carisi had been planning on giving him the key anyways, but when Mike exposed his heart to Carisi, he knew that he had earned it. Mike trusted him completely, and Sonny felt the same. 

It started out like every other night they shared; drinks after a tough case, and then walking to Carisi's apartment to watch late-night reruns of Seinfeld or whatever was on. 

____________

They were settled on the couch, both still dressed in their usual work 'uniforms': button-down shirts and slacks, with loosened ties. Dodds had his arm around Carisi's shoulders, while his other free hand cycled through the channels on the remote. 

Carisi tapped his fingers against his knee nervously, waiting for Mike to notice that he wasn't watching the TV. He could tell that Mike was too fixated on the show he decided on― Forensic Files― that he wasn't really focused on what Carisi was doing. 

"Mike?" Carisi said, his voice almost a whisper. Mike looked over at him and made a 'Hmm?' sound before returning his attention to the TV. Carisi took the remote from his hand and turned it off, and Mike responded by mumbling something in protest. 

"Can I talk to you?" 

Maybe the phrase came out with an unintended subtext; Mike gave Carisi a strange look as he quietly asked the question. It made Carisi's heart flutter nervously, and his hand grazed over the pocket with the key in it. 

The edges of Mike's lips curled upwards somewhat, and he removed his arm from Carisi's shoulders. He placed his hand on Carisi's, his gaze softening as he realized that Carisi was nervous. 

"Of course, Sonny." 

Carisi blinked a couple of times before averting his gaze from the Sergeant's, going over the words in his head several times. Mike waited patiently for Sonny to speak, and as they finally made eye contact again, Carisi finally found the courage to. 

"I've been thinking, Mike… we've been doing this, going out, for awhile. I mean, we haven't been officially going out- and y'know that's alright, I'm fine with how- however you see fit to handle these kinds of things. But, it's been a few months, and I figure, y'know… it wouldn't hurt to- to make it official?"

Mike's eyes widened a bit, and Carisi felt his hand tense around his. Carisi swallowed before continuing. 

"We could start with small things, like telling the squad or going to dinner with fami-" 

"No." 

Mike was quick to cut Sonny off, his words strong and punctual as if almost to say that it was final. His hand shot back and out of Sonny's grasp. Sonny bit his tongue― literally― with how quickly he shut his mouth and leaned away from Mike. 

There were a few moments of silence between them as Sonny tried to calculate what Mike meant by 'no'. A single word was making his head spin, and it hurt. He looked at Mike for any sense of comfort and found Mike's eyes to be full of fear, and possibly sorrow. The muscles in his face had tensed, and his brow was furrowed. Carisi looked the complete opposite; his eyes were wide with shock, his face paled with the sudden sense of nausea that spread through him at the thought that maybe this wasn't as serious of a relationship than he thought it was. 

Tears began to make his eyes burn, and he turned away from Mike to somehow hide them. A gentle touch of fingers on his wrist made him look back, and the Mike he saw was different than the one who uttered 'No.' 

"Sonny, I didn't mean to upset you." 

Mike was hesitant, and he pulled his hand back for a moment. He looked downwards, his jaw clenching. He seemed nervous as if something was holding him back. Sonny could tell that something was upsetting Mike, and it wasn't necessarily what Sonny asked him. Mike finally looked up and spoke.

"I didn't mean 'no' in regards to being official. I just.. I don't think we should tell the squad. Or anyone. I-" 

He sighed, looking away. He was visibly anxious, more than Carisi had been at the start of their conversation. 

"I have to be honest with you. You deserve that." 

He looked back at Carisi, and he shut his eyes for a moment. Carisi leaned forward and placed his hand on Mike's, his gaze softening. Mike opened his eyes, and let out a shaky breath.

"I have a fiancee. Her name is Alice, Alice Gray. We've been engaged for over a year. I've been putting it off because-" 

Carisi felt his heart break. Engaged? All he could think was that Mike was cheating on someone with him; in those few seconds of Mike's hesitation to continue, Carisi realized that they could never be open about their relationship. They could never go out on fancy dinner dates, or kiss in public, or hold hands; they could never have a family, Carisi could never get down on one kne- 

"I forced myself to be with her. Until I met you, I didn't think that my feelings were right. I don't think I've ever felt more than admiration for a woman. But I was constantly told by my father that being attracted to anyone other than a woman was wrong. That it was some ungodly injustice that would shame our family name for good. He would always say, 'My son would never be gay, I didn't raise him that way' or 'He's too good of a kid to be like that'. 

"I love my Dad. For a long time, all I did was try to make him proud of me. I was terrified of becoming my brother, of losing the relationship I had formed with my father. I forced myself to date her, to get engaged. I told myself that it would make me normal. But I still haven't changed how I feel about her. I care about Alice, but I don't love her. Working at SVU made me realize that these things are something you can't change. And being with you is the happiest I've ever been.

"You helped me realize that my love belongs with.. you. But I- I just can't-" 

He broke off, pulling his hand away from Carisi's to cover his face. Carisi could tell that he was crying, and he quickly placed a hand on Mike's shoulder. 

"Mike, I…" 

He didn't know how to finish the sentence, but Mike didn't seem to hear him. 

"I just can't tell him." 

When you live a lie for such a long time, the truth becomes hurtful. Sonny knew that it was painful, but he also knew that it wasn't permanent. He knew that he could help Mike through this. 

Mike rubbed his eyes with his palms, slowly pulling his hands away from his face. His eyes were red and puffy with tears, and yet the green in his eyes was brighter. Carisi grabbed Mike's hands, rubbing his fingers along Mike's knuckles. He held Mike's hands then, matching his gaze. 

"It's okay. It's okay, Mike." 

Pulling away one hand, Carisi fished in his pocket for the key. Pulling out the bronze-colored object, he placed it into Mike's open palm. 

Mike looked at it for a moment, somewhat confused at the meaning behind it. Carisi smiled as Mike looked up at him, and he could tell that his look meant 'What is this?'. 

Carisi answered with a smile: 

"Even if we can't be official publically, we can still be official… privately." 

Mike's face noticeably flushed, and it made Carisi smile a bit wider. 

"It's a key, to my apartment. That's what people do, right? Give a key to their boyfriend?" 

The word 'boyfriend' must've struck a chord with Mike, as his fingers tightened around Carisi's when he said it. A smile appeared on his face, and he nodded. 

"Yeah, they do. I suppose you're one step ahead of me― I guess I should get another key." 

Carisi laughed, raising his hands to cup Mike's face and kiss him. Mike kissed him back through a smile, only pulling away for a moment to slip the key into his pocket. 

The two ended the night by finally watching that episode of Forensic Files, curled up next to each other on the couch. 

____________

Carisi was drenched by the time he arrived at the precinct. It had begun to rain half-way through his walk, and he regretted not accepting Rollin's scarf (although it probably wouldn't have helped him if it was wet). As he entered the elevator, he removed his coat and rubbed his arms in an attempt to warm up. 

The doors opened to a dark hall, which he entered cautiously. He noticed a beam of light on the wall, coming from the direction of the Lieutenant's office. As he turned the corner, he realized that someone was there. 

Through the blinds, he could just make out the form of a tall man. His back was to Carisi, shifting through some papers on Liv's desk. The door was shut, but Carisi still stood hesitantly at the corner of the hall. He didn't want to interact with anyone― he was noticeably intoxicated in a place where that was not tolerable. 

As the man walked around Liv's desk, Carisi finally got a glimpse of his profile. He instantly recognized the sullen eyes, large nose, and slicked-back hair. It was Chief Dodds. 

He felt his heart skip a beat. Chief Dodds, alone in Liv's office. And he was looking for something― that enough was obvious. There were boxes on Liv's desk, along with papers and files. It was all Carisi could really make out from a distance, but it seemed like the boxes were labeled… Mike. Mike Dodds. 

His fingernails dug into the palms of his hands. He knew that Chief Dodds had already collected Mike's things, and yet he was looking for something else. It wasn't necessarily suspicious― Mike was Chief Dodds son, and he had a right to know things about him― yet Carisi felt a chill run down his spine. Chief Dodds was looking for something in the middle of the night, about his son, while no one was there. 

Could he possibly know about their relationship? 

He moved backward, leaning his back against the wall out of view. There were three ways he could approach this: One, he could leave to avoid interaction with the chief; two, he could walk into Liv's office and face him head-on; or three, he could attempt to sneak past the office and into another room.

Carisi pondered for a moment. If he did hit this head-on, it could settle things faster. Since Mike's death, he's carried the worry of outing Mike and somehow ruining his reputation. 

They had been so close to coming clean with the squad, and Chief Dodds. Mike was moving to a separate division, and Carisi was planning on moving with him. They were going to rent an apartment together after Carisi and Mike told the squad everything. 

Mike was going to tell Alice in person when she visited next. He was going to explain everything, even if it meant that it would break her heart. 

Of course, they never got the chance. 

Maybe Carisi was being given another chance to come clean. He was a religious man― vaguely catholic― and he believed in fate. Maybe this was fate. 

Carisi stepped out of the hall into the light of the doorway. Chief Dodds seemed to notice him instantly; his head jerked up and his gaze rested on Carisi. He looked surprised, almost scared. 

Carisi stared back, frozen in place. He began to think about what he would say, how he would say it. Should he just come clean, and say it outright? "Mike and I were in a relationship."; "Mike was my boyfriend,"; "We were in love."; "I loved him." 

Nothing sounded right. But he had to go through with it anyway.

He felt his feet leading him to the door of Liv's office, and he saw the Chief clench his hands into fists. 

"Chief Dodds," Carisi started as he opened the door, "good morning." 

Chief Dodds' upper lip quivered in what Carisi figured to be anger as he entered the office. Eventually, his lips parted to mutter, "Good morning, Detective Carisi." 

Carisi was finally able to see the files spread out on the desk; Carisi's file was one of them, along with Mike's. There were other documents scattered around; letters of some sort, or maybe drafts of letters. Carisi couldn't read them from where he stood, but he could tell that they were in Mike's handwriting. 

There were photographs, too; or, at least, there was a file titled "Photos". 

Why Chief Dodds had this here hadn't dawned on Carisi as he quickly looked over everything. What he did know, however, was that this was about him and Mike. 

He suddenly felt lightheaded, like the world was spinning. He pressed himself against the doorframe, his thoughts racing at a mile a minute. Rubbing the small cuts on his palms from his fingernails, he felt himself about to throw up. 

This was not happening. He had been prepared to tell the Chief and the squad everything, but not like this. The way it looked, it seemed like he had committed a crime. This was evidence against him, and he could tell that Chief Dodds intended to use it that way. 

There was a look of disgust in Chief Dodd's eyes as Carisi finally met them. A small smirk appeared on the Chief's lips, almost in an "I caught you" kind of way. It quickly faded as he looked back over the files on the desk. He began to pick them up again and place them in the box. 

Maybe he blamed Carisi for it. That's how it seemed; Mike told Carisi that Chief Dodds thought you had to be taught to be gay. Maybe he thought Carisi convinced Mike to be gay. Of course, if he was intending on telling the squad that, they wouldn't believe him. They were smart enough to know that genetics cause you to be gay; it wasn't a choice. 

Sonny finally broke the silence as he let out a breath he didn't notice he was holding. 

"What's that?" 

Chief Dodds ignored him.

"Are you drunk, Detective?" 

Carisi shifted nervously, frantically thinking for an explanation. 

"I have been drinking, but I'm not drunk." It was a blunt answer― maybe too blunt. Chief Dodds furrowed his brow at the response, (Carisi couldn't help but see the resemblance to Mike in his father's features, and it made him hurt even more than he already did), but he didn't comment on it. Instead, he continued to put the files in the box. 

Carisi figured he would ask again.

"What's that?" 

Chief Dodds looked back up at him, this time with a smile. 

"Nothing of importance." 

The Chief closed the lid of the box and set it down on the floor. He glared at Carisi for a second before making his way across the room in an effort to slink past Carisi out the door.

Carisi grabbed his arm as he attempted to leave, and the Chief quickly pulled it away and shifted backward. 

"Detective-" He growled before being cut off by Carisi. 

"Do you know?" 

The chief stared at Carisi for a long moment, almost as if he was wondering whether he should tell him or not. Instead of answering, the chief left the room. 

Carisi stood there for a moment, his mind blank. Eventually, he shut the door and when he knew Chief Dodds was gone, he slid down the wall and onto the floor. His hands were shaking, and he scratched at his knees as he felt the shaking spread throughout his body. His mind was blank and uncontrollable all at the same time, and he felt like screaming. Eventually, he stood up, facing the door, and punched the frame as hard as he could. 

He started a rhythm, hitting the frame with all he got until his hand felt numb. His knuckles were covered with blood but he couldn't feel it, and the lightheadedness returned. 

He shut off the light in the lieutenant's office and moved out into the witness' room. 

He was so exhausted and disoriented, he collapsed onto the couch and slept in his drenched clothes. 

Even though he can't remember his dreams, one thing is for sure; Carisi dreamt of Mike.

**Author's Note:**

> I started this a while ago and I'm still not sure whether I'll finish it. I figured I'd post what I have since I'm proud of it!


End file.
